


Hold my hand until I feel like home.

by The_Bad_Witch



Series: Stories of another Earth C [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Nightmares, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-19 00:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20200987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Bad_Witch/pseuds/The_Bad_Witch
Summary: Certain dreams come with unpleasant memories for Jade, it's time to talk about them.





	Hold my hand until I feel like home.

**Author's Note:**

> I love stories that talk about people's deep fears, I've seen thousands of fics about Karkat's concerns or how Dave deals with his past, but I haven't seen much about Jade's fears, and that saddens me because the happiest people also have something that haunting them, especially for her bad tendency to ignore negative emotions.
> 
> I made this fic to vent a bit, also it is my first time writing in English, I hope it is enjoyable.

_You blink a few times before looking down, you look at your little hands, your fingers are full of reminders of different colors. You pass the fingers of your left hand over the rings made with threads on your right hand._

_You blink and suddenly your hands are tangled by those threads, you try to untangle them but the more you move the more you tangle you get, you start to be afraid when you start to see how a strange black thread begins to appear from the colorful knots. Desperately you try to take your hands off the ball of wool that is forming. You walk a few steps towards trying to force your escape but it is useless, the black thread begins to lengthen to your feet and get tangled up with them. Suddenly you feel how it starts crawling around your skirt and your arms, with a fast breathing you try to scream but that mass of wool manages to reach your mouth, preventing you from screaming. Your vision begins to darken because they have managed to reach your head. You desperately close your eyes and try to scream with all your strength but your body does not respond and the glimpses of light that you can still see with your eyes closed begin to disappear._

_Everything is darkness around you, you try to control your fast breathing and in your mind you try to calm yourself in an attempt to get your head in order. After several minutes you feel able to breathe normally again, you try to open your eyes but all you can do is distinguish pure darkness, there is no difference if you keep your eyes closed or open._

_Finally you wake up after a series of blinks in which you began to lose your temper again, however when you open your eyes the only color that welcomes you is not the very well known white from the ceiling of your bedroom but a color, a color_ _very engraved in your mind that today you prefer to forget: gold._

_Your stomach turns, you lean with your arms to sit and look around, unlike your first thought, the place you are in is John's living room but completely golden. The furniture, the walls, the paintings, everything is golden except for the sofa on which you were lying. You change your position to sit and put your feet on the floor. When you do this you hear a creak under your feet, you look down to see the pieces of a destroyed LoWaS under your bare feet._

_The memory goes through your mind, the memory of LoWaS exploding in several pieces, the memory of losing both John and Davesprite in that explosion, the memory of being alone among those golden walls for three long years. Thousands of thoughts start to fill your head, you try to stop them by putting your hands on your head but you can't stop them, the golden color of the room burns your eyes and makes it difficult to breathe, you try desperately to visualize the door to get out of there._

_When you finally find the door and leave the room, you fall to your knees on the bow of a ship, you know this ship. You look up and the only thing you can appreciate is a black mantle and some white dots on them, the outer space. Without realizing it, you start sliding down the floor, something is pulling you out. You try to move your feet to back off but you can't move any muscle. The attraction intensifies and drags you with greater speed until you get off the ground, with your hands you try to push yourself to grab anything but you're already out of reach of anything. You watch the ship move away from you little by little, you turn towards the direction where the strange force is attracting you and you watch with horror as some stars disappear to leave nothing behind, just an immense void._

_You keep floating in nothingness for a few minutes after you realize that you had stopped being sucked into the unknown and there were no more signs of your golden ship or stars accompanying you. You try to keep calm but you don't last five minutes in your mantra before losing patience and being caught in the imminent fear of being stranded in the cold emptiness of space forever. In your despair you begin to remember the faces and names of only two people, you try to shout their names even when you feel you will use up your oxygen if you speak._

_— Karkat! Dave! Can somebody hear me? — you scream with all your lugs. — Can somebody hear me?_

_You keep shouting for help for several minutes, even when all the action takes your breath away completely._

_— Can somebody hear me?!_

_..._

_— Dave! Karkat! — tears begin to sprout from your eyes_

_..._

_— Someone... please — finally with a brittle voice you let out your last breath, you settle into a fetal position as you move through the cold emptiness._

_You hope your screams have been strong enough and that someone has heard them. However inside you know that no matter how much you shouted the only person who could hear you was yourself._

You open your eyes and recognize that ceiling with phosphorescent stickers that you placed there a few months ago. With a heavy breath and some tears in your eyes you look at the two people on both sides. You look to the right to see your boyfriend sleep peacefully, you see the tiny freckles on his face and the blond strands of his hair falling on his face. You turn to the left to see your other partner but all you can appreciate is their broad back covered by a gray sheet, the image is not much but it is enough for you to make you understand that everything has been just a nightmare.

You spend several minutes watching the ceiling before getting up and getting out slowly of bed so as not to wake any of the two sleepers. You fix your green nightgown, grab your glasses from the dresser and a black coat, which you suppose is Karkat’s coat, from a nearby chair. With silent steps and trying not to trip over anything you leave the room and walk down the hall to the stairs, preventing you from making a squeak you slowly walk down the stairs step by step.

You walk down until you reach the living room and sit on the couch, you see how around you there are traces of your two lovers: two red shoes thrown near the television, some drawings of Dave and DVDs boxes of Karkat's romantic films on the table in in front of the sofa, that gray crab print sweater that Karkat secretly loves but prefers not to wear in public on a corner of the sofa. You smile at these little details that remind you that they are here, you are here.

You lie on the couch using your boyfriend's sweater as an improvised pillow and wait for sleep to come back to you, your attempt to go back to sleep fails when you hear someone's steps down the stairs. You sit back down to watch a sleepy Dave coming down the stairs.

— Yo — he greets you and approaches you to sit next to you on the couch.

You feel his weight sinking the sofa, you cover your arms more with the coat before crossing them.

— I didn't want to wake you up, sorry — you say as your gaze travels to all possible points trying to avoid his gaze.

— It is impossible not to notice your presence — you look again to see his face without glasses and his gaze locked on you.

Several minutes pass and nobody says anything.

— What? — Finally you ask.

— Huh? Oh, sorry, I was trying to make a comparison about the importance of your presence in bed but I can't think of a good one right now, you just need to know that your presence is very important —

You laugh a little when you hear this and you spread him your smile, you look at him with love and he looks back at you with the same feeling.

You feel his hand resting gently on your shoulder.

— What happened? A nightmare? — He asks softly.

You don't turn to see him but you nod

— Do you want to talk about it? We can always talk about it if you want—

You do not answer.

— I mean, even if your nightmare was the most shameful thing of all, I will always be here to listen to it. Did I tell you about that time I dreamed I was rapping for Obama on a big stage while I was dressed like a Teletubbie? I think that has been one of the most shameful dreams I've had — he began to tell about his dream and at the same time he waved his hands to emphasize — _“Yes, Mr. President, I will rap this children's song with the sickest rhymes you've ever heard, I have nothing to envy to that yellow bird of Sesame Street”_ —

You laugh a little harder and turn to see him, he smiles back before scratching the back of his neck.

— I mean, I'm all ears — before he opened his mouth to keep talking you grabbed his arms and settled down them on your shoulders to fall your back on his chest, both fell on the couch and settled better to see the ceiling.

— I know — is the only thing you told him before closing your eyes and enjoying his company.

Releasing your grip on his right hand he began to stroke your hair. They were together for about 7 minutes before Dave interrupted.

— I'm not good at this — he commented, probably towards himself

— You aren't good at what? – you asked

— At this of comforting someone, maybe it didn't come in my _Boyfriend starter pack _or maybe Karkat was the one who took all the _“comfort someone juice”_ — he stopped for a few seconds before continuing — I guess it's easier to talk about these things with him than with me —

You get up quickly from his chest.

— No! — You looked him in the eyes before looking away to continue — it's just... it's hard for me to talk about these issues, with anyone, it's... difficult for me... — you end up saying almost in a whisper.

You feel like a hand touches your cheek.

— Maybe talking about it with us helps you make that thing so difficult to talk a little easier, you know, communication. You taught us that and you were there all the time for us, and we will be there for you — he finished saying while his thumb stroked your cheek.

— I... — is the only thing you can say.

Even now it's hard for you to talk about your deepest feelings, about the negative things you feel, you don't like them and try to push them away, lock them up somewhere. Even after several years with Karkat and Dave, and have seen them and been there in their lower moments, it is difficult for you to express what haunts you, it’s difficult for you to say that you are afraid.

It is not really the first time that you have a dream like that, you’ve always had them, you have always hidden them, you have always left them until the end of your list of important things to attend because before them were Dave and Karkat having their own nightmares, you buried your own nightmare to be able to comfort your two boyfriends, after all you have always thought that these two have suffered worse than you. But it’s not so, you have refused to talk about yourself, to take care of your mental and emotional health under the need to take care of others. Maybe it's your turn to talk about those things that dwell in your subconscious, it's your turn to release what makes you feel so heavy.

— I dreamed I was on the Prospitian ship again — you turn to see him and his eyes are fixed on you, attentive to you. — I was alone... again, there were no signs of John or Davesprite — you swallow before continuing — Neither Karkat nor you —

Then you noticed how your eyes got wet, you tried to prevent the tears from falling but it was inevitable. Dave changed position to make you both sit down and stroke your back.

— Everything’s fine now, we’re here, we’re both here — he said with a sweetness that outside this house anyone would find it impossible

— But... what if it's not like that? I mean, what if one day you two... stop being here? What if one day... I'm alone again? — Your voice was shaking and more tears began to fall.

As much as you would like to remember your old island, no matter how much it fills you with longing and nostalgia, revisualize your old days, when things were simpler, you cannot deny that you would have liked to have company at your side beyond a dog and distance friends. That yearning for company became stronger when you spent those three years after losing your dear friends.

Having finally met more people made that feeling of loneliness dissipate for a few years, living with your two boyfriends has given you the hope that you will no longer be alone anymore, but there are times when you fear waking up and not finding anyone around you, feel so disconnected from others and feel as if it is better to return to your daily routine with loneliness.

The "destiny" of your aspect does not help you calm this deep fear.

— What if someday... you two get tired of me? If you two... decide to leave and leave me behind? —

You watch him open his mouth but before he answers you hear a voice coming from the stairs

— Heard you were talking shit — Karkat said as he slowly walked down the stairs — any stupid thought that is hanging around your head right now, stop it — his voice was more serious than angry.

He approached the sofa on Dave's side and you both moved to give him space. He scratched his head and turned his body towards you, brought his hands to yours and grabbed a hand.

— Why do you think we would leave you behind? — he asks in a calm and patient tone of voice, if someone who didn't really know Karkat would listen him right now they would think that it is not the same person.

— I... I don’t know — you answer while you squeeze his hand — I can’t stop thinking someday you two will realize that I am not worth it, that I am not what you expected, or that you simply stop loving me and you will go very far from me — with a great sorrow you whisper an almost inaudible "I don't know"

— Did you stop loving us when Dave started having those nightmares that woke us up almost every night at 3 in the morning? – he asks

— No —

— Or did you stop loving me those times when I always despised myself, which was more often than Dave's nightmares? —

— No –

— What did we promise on all those occasions when one of the two was at its worst? — This time the question came from Dave

— That we would always be there for the other — when you answered some tears came back to your eyes — that we would talk about it and that we never thought we were alone if something got complicated — with one hand Dave dried the tears from your eyes

— It was a promise we made all three — Karkat said sweetly

Dave take your face with both hands and turned you towards him

— If you didn’t stop loving us in those moments then never think that we will stop loving you on hard times, if you didn’t stop loving us when we were both complicated then do not think that we will stop loving you when the thing gets tough — he said while moving hair strands away from your face

— We love you, in sad days, in happy days, in the best moments, in the worst moments, we love you and we will not stop doing it for anything in the world — Karkat added while intertwining his fingers with yours.

You opened your mouth to say something but the words did not come out, but tears began to roll on your cheeks preventing you from saying something, but you felt it was not necessary to say anything else.

— We are here, we love you and we will never leave you — Dave mentioned as he approached you both and wrapping you in a big hug.

Putting your feet up on the couch you settled down to lie on both laps, you placed your head on Karkat's chest and he began to stroke your head, brushing your hair with his fingers; while Dave drew circles with his thumb on your left hand which he was holding, Karkat had his head resting on Dave's shoulder.

During the time they were like this you felt very warm inside you, a feeling that let you know that you were safe, that you would not be alone anymore, that you were finally in a place you could call home.

A couple of hours passed before Dave finally suggested going back to bed as his legs were starting to get numb just like Karkat's. You three returned to the bedroom and as you took your place in the middle, they both took their place and turned to you.

— Wake us up if you have another nightmare — Karkat whispers before closing his eyes and grabs your hand.


End file.
